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Last night I was at Disneyland. It wasn’t happy Disneyland though, it was angry Disneyland. I was babysitting some children while I waited for my girlfriend to come into town and the kid friendly sections of the park were starting to wear on me.

When I had finally had enough we were already in the line for Alligator Attack! The brand new ride with the 3 hour wait. We were strapped into the ride, but I got really antsy and had to get out of there. As the ride was running, it came to a pause and I took my chance. I climbed out of the car and slid down a fake vine.

Walking out of ride I was met by security and escorted away. I thought I was free… finally. But no. That’s not how it works in the Magic Kingdom. You don’t just get booted on your ass out the front door. They escorted me back to a little room in the club house and made me wait there for a long time. When they came back, they explained to me that they controlled the town and I would be in jail for a long time.

I got angry. I got indignant. I finally broke down and started to cry. I explained that I just wanted to get out and see my girlfriend.

But, none of this moved them. The next thing I know I’m locked in the magic dungeon. After a while my captors came in, but this time they had all changed into robots and they started beating me up. They were bright, shiny robots, with big feet that they kept using to step on me.

Eventually they were satisfied that I had learned my lesson.
I thanked them and they let me go.

So, I went and played capture the flag behind enemy lines in a combat zone. (Where I was chased by a trained pig, a hungry panther, and I learned how to make a DQ blizzard.)

It started out as a seemingly innocent time at the movie theater. We were just leaving a great show, don’t ask me what, when all of a sudden we are attacked by a roving gunman in the parking lot. Switching into swat mode, we fight back. We drive off the assailant and escape to our base.

My partner and I, Samuel L Jackson, go out on a hunt for the would-be assassin. Tracking him down we get into another big gun battle. Eventually the other dude runs out of ammo and gives up.

In the heat of the moment, like at a cheer-leader car wash, I accidentally spray Jackson with a few shots. He returns the favor and it’s not long before we’re each running and diving all over town shooting at each other. We’re running behind buildings, jumping through windows, and hiding behind doors. It’s like a school yard water fight… except with lead.

By the end we were each having so much fun that I was surprised we weren’t giggling and skipping.

Oy, I had a dream last night that scared the crap out of me. I was dreaming that I was wandering around this old house. But not a dark and creepy house now. No, it was more of a pleasant summer home. One thing kind of odd though was that the house was once a cool little RV that had been built into the new structure when the family settled down.

So here I am wandering around when I come into a room and sit down. Nice enough room, I start to poke around. I open the cupboard in front of me to find out that it’s full of chocolate bars and wrappers. It makes me laugh because they are old and musty. They were probably hidden there by a kid who lived in the house before. When I lean back again all of a sudden I am leaning against a washer that wasn’t there before. A bit startled I look up into the mirror to see a lady folding clothes and doing the laundry. Eeek! I jumped up and ran the hell out of the room. When I woke up I was panting and shaking. Now that was a scary dream.

I had another dream too. But I must have gone to bed hungry, because I dreamed that I was hungry and that I was trying to get food from the cafeteria. I was getting frustrated because it was near closing time and they had run out of all of their food. Then I found out that all they had left was vegetarian chili, and not even enough to fill a bowl. It made me angry.